The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.