From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
