he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
