Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Randomize
