all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
