glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Randomize
