I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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