Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
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I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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