and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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