I faked an abortion last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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