nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
