Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
