I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
