Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
