Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
