Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
