I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
