went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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