Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
