I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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