and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
