there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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