he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
