I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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