she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
