I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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