What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
