you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
