You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
