Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
