i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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