I wish my penis had an off switch
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dude. I can hear the air.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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