i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i think i have two assholes
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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