So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
