I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
