Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
