remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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