Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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