Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
