just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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