I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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