Sponge bath it is.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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