dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
