Fine. I'll sleep in my office
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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