I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
