My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Even my vagina gasped.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
