o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
