apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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