Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
