You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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