Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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