Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
