i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
