This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
