hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
