We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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