I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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