I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
