dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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