That reminds me...we need to get swords
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
