Dude my mom stole all your condoms
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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