Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
