forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
