Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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