I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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