My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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