There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
