nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
