so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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